The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. [Psalm 16:6]

free

He opens the eyes of the blind
He sets the captives free
forever God's name be praised

death has no power over me
the curse has fallen from my feet
the chains are broken
my eyes are opened

i can be completely secured in God
free in His unfailing love

heart that God is looking for

it's been a while since i used this.
anyway, today was a special Sunday where God reminded me of a few things.
first was during the missions presentation by India/China teams. in the previous years when i used to watch these presentations, i used to sob b/c my heart was overwhelmed with the burdens to reach the lost and just to see the pictures of those places just made me long for missios more and more. but today, i was surprised to find my heart so hard and cold. it moved me more during the 2nd celebration, but i realized how my heart for the world evangelism has lost the passion lately. then after the 2nd celebration, i talked to a new int'l student that i noticed a few weeks ago. i went up to him to talk about int'l small group and learned that he is a real Christian who really has a deep faith. i realized that i ushered him during the 1st celebration, so i asked him why he was at the 2nd celebration again. what said, "I just had to come back and worship God one more time." the moment he said that, i felt the spirit of God rebuking me of my impure and hardened heart. this is the kind of heart that God is looking for, someone who desires to worship God in spirit and truth. Who couldn't help but to come back again to worship God. in the midst of my chaotic life and all the people that i'm involved with, i've lost the pure desire for God and lost the burden for world evangelism. i had to come home tonight to pray and repent for my hardened heart. God please melt my heart again. After all, it is you alone that I desire to worship.

leaving the lib

i had to stay working for extra 40 minutes today because TA didn't show up as my replacement @ 6pm. he didn't even call. when it hits 6:20, i talked to Wendy, the manager at NE branch, and she called my supervisor... other than looking for someone to take over TA's shift, my supervisor told Wendy that it's my last week at the lib. Wendy came up to me, looked all sad...

I kinda knew that would be her reaction... she always think i am of her most favorite part-time reference ppl. sometimes she makes me feel like i am just a cute little girl (maybe that's how she sees me?). she teases me for working too hard all the time, always told me she missed me when i am not working in NE and that i should visit more often... i don't know why she likes me this much, i always think it might be because i speak chinese and can help a lot more w/ the chinese speaking population at that location, and that i am very good with computers... all the reasons i think about are related to work... well, i still don't know why... haha

she gave me a big hug, said how much she'll miss me, and told me if i come back and an opportunity opens up, she'll for sure give me a big recommendation... it was a bit weird... it's like the first time I ever heard something like this.

sometimes I think i'll miss working in the lib... not just the job itself, but more the people i work with (many, though not all)... wait, now i think i can see how ppl think i am just a cute little girl--if they are in their 50s or 60s and i am in my 20s, and it also seems like i am so innocent that i really don't know anything of the REAL WORLD... hmm...

it has been a good 13 months working in the lib. i really like the job, though sometimes it can get bored, and other times challenged, stressed.

podcast--book of job

i have been playing around podcast thing for a few days now... there is this daily audio bible podcast, and the first part of the passages is on the book of job these days.
at first I was like, you kidding, book of job?

book of job is kinda that special book for me. back in 6-8 years ago, when things were hard, life was going crazy, I would always turn to the book of job read it over and over again. Even 4 years ago, Hannah would always joke and say my nickname is Job. and there was this once three years ago, I was trying to type my name in Chinese, but somehow still have the English input method on, so when I was typing rae it came up as job... maybe everybody else had a good laugh, but I didn't know how to take it... even rose too, at one point of time she honestly admitted that she's just like those three friends of job, misunderstood and wrongly accused me regarded to the difficulties I was going or went through...

job, this man, was upright before God...
but he was very depressed due to the sufferings, I assume so, coz lots of things he said were just like my very own words... he honestly poured out all his pain, bitterness, anger, disappointement before God. he defended himself of all the misjudgements his friends placed upon him...

God had never answered Job's pleading for death, nor did His explain why everything happened the way it did. What God did was to show who He is to Job, with words.

Job's response:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

God is not distant in mist of pain and suffering. I am thankful that I can come before Him, with no need to hide, can be totally honest about every feeling within me. I don't need to put myself together in order to approach Him, for He is near to the broken hearted.

苦中作樂啊~

i have been feeling like God is digging into the deepest part of my heart...
--not a pleasant feeling, at times, it can get really painful and uncomfortable.
sometimes i wonder why God even bothers to deal with someone like me
thankfulness...

it reminds me of the days i worked at warehouse doing inspection
the parts that pass the inspection would be boxed and then stamped "ACCEPTED"
those do not pass would be stamped "REJECTED" and return to manufacturer
i often feeling like i have a "REJECTED" stamp on my forehead, like a hot potato being tossed around.

but here is the good news:
God has picked me up, placed me in the palm of his hand with love, and carefully started fixing the distorted parts of me... He still wants me to be what He had intended for.

in the pains i have found love, the key that will unlocked all

ready to fly

just as what i feel:


FFH \ Ready To Fly

I've been here grounded far too long
I'm ready to see the open wide
Ready to sing a different song
I've seen my troubles 'long the way
I want to sail towards the sun
I want to turn another page
I'm on my way

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar
I'm ready to leave this world behind.
I'm ready to open up the door
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky
I think it's time
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to fly.

You've told me I could rise above
Like an eagle on the wind
I can glide upon Your love
But I feel the pull of gravity
And it's a weight upon my shoulders
i can't stay here any longer
I've gotta be free

And it's been so long
Since I've seen the bright morning sun
Through the early morning horizon
And it's been so long
Since I've felt the air under my wings
And seen all of these things from above

after all...

I was fairly surprised that people would compliment on things I do at work.
Thursday evening after work, I told my boss @ Kumon that I won't be able to work there any more after the summer. Her response was, "Oh my God, I am in big trouble!... You have always been very reliable, always know what to do... " she was also concerning, asking if my decision to go home has to do with my health problem.

Same morning, I was working at the library. because of shorting of hands, my supervisor actually came out to be at the reference desk @ MC with me. I was quite nervous around her.... but I tried to be the way I normally am. and later (the next day) she sent out e-mail to the whole group saying the way I dealt with certain situation was very good, and everybody should learn from me... I was quite blown away--how is it possible?

I always see myself putting a lot of efforts but still like fail 1/3 of the time, if not all... I am always frustrated at myself. I always wonder why I try so hard and still not getting anywhere, but others who are not even trying half as hard as I do, but can do thing so much better than me...

maybe it's true... that I am not a total failure after all. even though I am not good at most of the things i do, but i don't need to place my identity on what i do and how well i can do it.
I want to thank God that, yes, my identity is in Him alone, coz He called me His own.

i still believe...

when the dark clouds cover the sky
sunshine is nowhere to be seen
I still believe

when the storm comes
the roar sounds
the waves is swallowing all of me
I still believe

when nothing makes any sense
sufferings and pains persist
hope is nowhere to be found
I still believe

God is good, and forever He will be

stuck in my head...

life is back to the slowness it used to be... today will be the first day i need to think of what i can to do after work. Plus, I have Wednesday and Friday off... Thinking about taking a trip somewhere. Anyways, I woke up this morning with this part of the song stuck in my head, even till now... "I'll worship You for who You are"...

yeah, despite of all the thing going on in my life, despite of the inadequacy and useless I felt about myself, despite of how much I have tried and only to see myself fail, despite of all the difficulities I am facing, despite of the uncertainy and hopelessness I see in me, despite of me unable to fight while knowing the battle is strong...

God is God, who is worthy of all the praises.

classes ending...

3 more days to go :D yay~ almost there!!!
thank God that this indeed is not forever...

3 months ago...

Wednesday, May 09, 2007

In this storm of life
should I laugh, should I sing
should I dance on the mountain top
when the whole world is shaking
and the light before me is fading away

I reach out my hands
yet have nothing to hold on to
I take a step with the all the strength left
yet my feet do not land on leveled ground

waves keep crashing
water make a splash on my face, roaring,
in the darkest night, all alone
I see my little boat starts sinking

I lift up my eyes to the sky
wish to see the light shining through
yet above me, there's only dark clouds
wondering, will the miracles of old time happen again

crying out from the depth of my heart, thinking
maybe my anguish voice will reach the heaven
winds keep blowing, waves keep crashing
nothing has yet to be changed

have my eyes gotten blind, my ears deaf
have my heart grew dull, my faith dead
have the storm caught all my attention,
and Goliath the giant blocked my view

O my soul, rise up and give praise to the Lord
6:58 PM - 2 eprops - 1 comment - email it

verses

Isaiah 49:15

15 "Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you!

Isaiah 46:3-4
3 "Listen to me, O house of Jacob, all you who remain of the house of Israel, you whom I have upheld since you were conceived, and have carried since your birth.
4 Even to your old age and gray hairs I am he, I am he who will sustain you. I have made you and I will carry you; I will sustain you and I will rescue you.

Isaiah 43:1-2

1 But now, this is what the LORD says—he who created you, O Jacob, he who formed you, O Israel: "Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine.
2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.

refining

When I was at work today, during one of the slower time, I went through that silversmith e-mail Sarah sent a while back again. I was really touched, especially by the last line.

I thank God for the pain and hardship I am going through now. Even though I understand nothing and am blind and can't see, God knows what He is doing.

I have been wondering every single day what is the meaning of my existence. I have been in such a pain because I can't find a thing that I can do well. I have been crying because every time I come before God I have nothing to offer. I have been in distress because I see nothing in me but a broken life. I ask myself frequently that how is it possible that God can use someone like me--someone constantly being rejected by the world around...

refining

adoption

Toward the end of Max Lucado's book God Came Near, he talked about a story at a funeral. The lady named Carmino who stood alone and mourned quietly turned out to be the adoptive child of the family. She was born of a prostitute, father unknown. The mom had compassion when saw the little girl, knowing that she would otherwise have no one to love her, pay attention to her, no home, no future. The girl was adopted to the family. Decades later, at the mother's funeral... When the funeral ended, everybodyt left, the doors were about to be locked, a soft, broken voice was heard. It was Carmino, by the casket, crying and kept saying thank you to the mother.

Lucado kept going on and says something like, we too were adopted by God into His family. We would have no future, no hope if it wasn't so... When nobody would give us the time of a day, God gives us the time of a whole life.

I cried.

Ephesians 1:3-8
Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessing in Christ. For he chose us in him before the creation of the world to be holy and blameless in his sight. In love he predestined us to be adopted as his sons through Jesus Christ, in accordance with his pleasure and will—to the praise of his glorious grace, which he has freely given us in the One he loves. In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God's grace that he lavished on us with all wisdom and understanding.

pic

seasons

it's been busy that i haven't even thought of things that i'm thankful for these days. but that should not be an excuse to live in ignorance. well, yesterday i met up with a married person had a talk. it brought up an interesting perspective after talking to her about her lifestage.
as i'm in my singlehood, i always thought many of my problems will be solved when i get married. but after hearing what she's been going through as she's transitioning into a married person, it sounds like it's so much harder than being single. although you have the significant other to love and be loved, there seem to be far more challenges when you are joined with another person. i realized that every season is difficult and challenging. even when i look back, i remember the biggest worry in high school was getting into college. in college, the biggest worry was graduating and finding a job. in young adult life, the biggest worry is money and marriage. so i know that each season in life brings new challenges and worries. however, i am thankful that God has been with me through every season. that's how i am where i am today and even though i don't know what the future holds in the next season of my life, i feel secure that God will somehow pull me through once again.

for who he is...

I just want to say...
I praise God for He is, like the sun would not cease to be the sun when the storm comes, or the darkness of the night covers the earth. He's worthy of all praises no matter what.

people who love people

today, i had a welcoming team meeting. this was the first team meeting i led since i joined this team. i "bribed" them by cooking for dinner but it was such a good meeting. i think i struggled a bit this past year with the previous team - which i learned a lot, but seeing these members who were so willing to participate and serve, i was so blessed. they were so proactive and initiating different ideas and taking responsibilities. it makes ministry so much more enjoyable when people are on board and you know they do that b/c they love God's people. anyway, i'm just so thankful for them for their hearts and time to serve the Lord.

oh also, Isaac Kim (Andy's brother) just shared tonight that his mom accecpted Christ last night!
this is truly an answer to our prayers since Andy passed away. i'm sure Andy is rejoicing with Christ in heaven!

swans

I went take a walk, and I saw a swan family--daddy swan, mommy swan, and the baby. It made me think of the ugly duckling story... for the longest time I just couldn't move away from the spot where I saw them.

mommy & daddy...

my roommate has been really down these days b/c of financial and job issue; she can't go back to school, and her parents are not able to help her at all. Seeing her like that, I realize how blessed I am that even if my parents do not have much, yet in their debts they still send me everything. When I was talking to my mom the other day, she told me my dad was asking if I still have enough money and if he needs to send me some. I was surprised, because they just sent me money in Dec to help paying for my student loan, and it's not like I am starving something...
I just want to thank God for my parents, for being so supported even if my dad doesn't seem to say much...

and yes, I have a job.

by the way, I just find out that the lib is actually hiring three of the same positions at once instead of just one. Anyways, even if it's like last time, which 86 people applied for one opening, it's still a better chance--I don't think there were 86x3 people applied. :)

i luv my single life!

i know this might sound kinda funny. but yesterday, i had some free time in the early evening.
so i went to gallup park to spend some time with God. i went to the place where we talked before by the water and did my QT. then i walked around the park just praying in my heart and singing worship songs. afterwards, i had an urge to go to a farmer's market, so i went to the produce store on State street next to the train tracks. i bought some delicious fruit and as i was walking out, i decided to take a walk by the gardening section they had. as i was walking on that path with all the flowers around, it just felt so good with the nice breeze and such a peaceful scenery. i haven't had such a free time to just enjoy things around me and spend time alone in this way that i just suddenly realized, how precious is this time in my life. while i'm single and don't have any strings attached to anyone, i really want to enjoy this time alone with God. i know that those moments won't come often and the more i get older, things will be busier.
so i want to enjoy this singlehood as much as possible and strengthen my relationship with God this summer. you have to try this plum called, "Mango Plum." it's yellow and it's so delicious!

smile :)

It's just like another ordinary day. I studied and the went to work at Kumon. Recently I have been feeling that I don't want to work there any more. Not that I don't like it, but it's such a transitional place and I have been there for too long. At the same time, I notice that my boss has entrusted me with more, especially after her daughter got married and left; plus I am the only one who hasn't got yelled at for a long while... Anyway, there are just a lot of mixed emotions going to work there.

Today, there is this kid name Trevor; he kinda just started do 3-digits vertical subtraction with borrowing. He hardly can do any problem correctly without help. However, he just had this big smile on his face, even when he was told that there are lots mistakes in his works. Caitlin is another girl who always smiles at me whenever I go check on how she's doing with classwork. Britney is doing calculus but understands nothing; Nick and Christine are brother and sister, both doing algebra and struggle much. I can totally see how those kids were frustrated with math, yet their smiles made everything seems to be so much easier (and made it easier to teach them). I remember what I said at the interview earlier, "a big smile brighten people's day..."

I just want to thank God for giving us the ability to smile, and joy in our heart no matter what's going on. It shorten the distance between people, it brings blessings to a trouble heart.

simplicity

today at excel, we had extra activities in the afternoon.
i was in charge of making rice krispie treats with the kids and you should've seen their faces.
one of my kids, Justin - he's a jolly, was so happy walking around with a big ball of rice krispie treat in his hand. it's this kind of simple treat that makes these children so happy. i realized that i forget to enjoy and be happy about simple things in my life b/c i'm so concerned about big things that i have no control over. today....i thank God for simple things in my life like having a family to call (i called my mom), having people to welcome me when i come home, having food in the fridge everyday and all the small treats that God blesses us each day.
thank you Jesus!

as for today...

Joyce was asking me what is the most difficult thing for me in being a Christian, and it reminded me of a song we always sang in the church in Taiwan. It goes something like this (it's probably translated from English, but here's my own translation):
God has never promised that the sky to be blue and clear, neither of a pleasant path along the life journey. God has never promised that the sun always be shining without rain falling, neither has He promised a life of happiness without pain, peace without worries. Yet He promises He will strengthen us daily, shine on us as we walk, and rest after laboring. He promise of grace in mist of temptation, a place to put our trust on Him in difficulties, and an undying love.
I know I would have no way to make it this far on my own, God indeed has been gracious on me. What can I say? even if I still feel like understanding nothing...

day1

you are truly a computer sappy person. but this is a brilliant idea.
i never kept a blog for just 2 people...but it' cool.
alright, it's your turn first!