The boundary lines have fallen for me in pleasant places;
surely I have a delightful inheritance. [Psalm 16:6]

free

He opens the eyes of the blind
He sets the captives free
forever God's name be praised

death has no power over me
the curse has fallen from my feet
the chains are broken
my eyes are opened

i can be completely secured in God
free in His unfailing love

heart that God is looking for

it's been a while since i used this.
anyway, today was a special Sunday where God reminded me of a few things.
first was during the missions presentation by India/China teams. in the previous years when i used to watch these presentations, i used to sob b/c my heart was overwhelmed with the burdens to reach the lost and just to see the pictures of those places just made me long for missios more and more. but today, i was surprised to find my heart so hard and cold. it moved me more during the 2nd celebration, but i realized how my heart for the world evangelism has lost the passion lately. then after the 2nd celebration, i talked to a new int'l student that i noticed a few weeks ago. i went up to him to talk about int'l small group and learned that he is a real Christian who really has a deep faith. i realized that i ushered him during the 1st celebration, so i asked him why he was at the 2nd celebration again. what said, "I just had to come back and worship God one more time." the moment he said that, i felt the spirit of God rebuking me of my impure and hardened heart. this is the kind of heart that God is looking for, someone who desires to worship God in spirit and truth. Who couldn't help but to come back again to worship God. in the midst of my chaotic life and all the people that i'm involved with, i've lost the pure desire for God and lost the burden for world evangelism. i had to come home tonight to pray and repent for my hardened heart. God please melt my heart again. After all, it is you alone that I desire to worship.

leaving the lib

i had to stay working for extra 40 minutes today because TA didn't show up as my replacement @ 6pm. he didn't even call. when it hits 6:20, i talked to Wendy, the manager at NE branch, and she called my supervisor... other than looking for someone to take over TA's shift, my supervisor told Wendy that it's my last week at the lib. Wendy came up to me, looked all sad...

I kinda knew that would be her reaction... she always think i am of her most favorite part-time reference ppl. sometimes she makes me feel like i am just a cute little girl (maybe that's how she sees me?). she teases me for working too hard all the time, always told me she missed me when i am not working in NE and that i should visit more often... i don't know why she likes me this much, i always think it might be because i speak chinese and can help a lot more w/ the chinese speaking population at that location, and that i am very good with computers... all the reasons i think about are related to work... well, i still don't know why... haha

she gave me a big hug, said how much she'll miss me, and told me if i come back and an opportunity opens up, she'll for sure give me a big recommendation... it was a bit weird... it's like the first time I ever heard something like this.

sometimes I think i'll miss working in the lib... not just the job itself, but more the people i work with (many, though not all)... wait, now i think i can see how ppl think i am just a cute little girl--if they are in their 50s or 60s and i am in my 20s, and it also seems like i am so innocent that i really don't know anything of the REAL WORLD... hmm...

it has been a good 13 months working in the lib. i really like the job, though sometimes it can get bored, and other times challenged, stressed.

podcast--book of job

i have been playing around podcast thing for a few days now... there is this daily audio bible podcast, and the first part of the passages is on the book of job these days.
at first I was like, you kidding, book of job?

book of job is kinda that special book for me. back in 6-8 years ago, when things were hard, life was going crazy, I would always turn to the book of job read it over and over again. Even 4 years ago, Hannah would always joke and say my nickname is Job. and there was this once three years ago, I was trying to type my name in Chinese, but somehow still have the English input method on, so when I was typing rae it came up as job... maybe everybody else had a good laugh, but I didn't know how to take it... even rose too, at one point of time she honestly admitted that she's just like those three friends of job, misunderstood and wrongly accused me regarded to the difficulties I was going or went through...

job, this man, was upright before God...
but he was very depressed due to the sufferings, I assume so, coz lots of things he said were just like my very own words... he honestly poured out all his pain, bitterness, anger, disappointement before God. he defended himself of all the misjudgements his friends placed upon him...

God had never answered Job's pleading for death, nor did His explain why everything happened the way it did. What God did was to show who He is to Job, with words.

Job's response:
"I know that you can do all things; no plan of yours can be thwarted.
You asked, 'Who is this that obscures my counsel without knowledge?'
Surely I spoke of things I did not understand, things too wonderful for me to know.
"You said, 'Listen now, and I will speak; I will question you, and you shall answer me.'
My ears had heard of you but now my eyes have seen you.
Therefore I despise myself and repent in dust and ashes."

God is not distant in mist of pain and suffering. I am thankful that I can come before Him, with no need to hide, can be totally honest about every feeling within me. I don't need to put myself together in order to approach Him, for He is near to the broken hearted.

苦中作樂啊~

i have been feeling like God is digging into the deepest part of my heart...
--not a pleasant feeling, at times, it can get really painful and uncomfortable.
sometimes i wonder why God even bothers to deal with someone like me
thankfulness...

it reminds me of the days i worked at warehouse doing inspection
the parts that pass the inspection would be boxed and then stamped "ACCEPTED"
those do not pass would be stamped "REJECTED" and return to manufacturer
i often feeling like i have a "REJECTED" stamp on my forehead, like a hot potato being tossed around.

but here is the good news:
God has picked me up, placed me in the palm of his hand with love, and carefully started fixing the distorted parts of me... He still wants me to be what He had intended for.

in the pains i have found love, the key that will unlocked all

ready to fly

just as what i feel:


FFH \ Ready To Fly

I've been here grounded far too long
I'm ready to see the open wide
Ready to sing a different song
I've seen my troubles 'long the way
I want to sail towards the sun
I want to turn another page
I'm on my way

I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to soar
I'm ready to leave this world behind.
I'm ready to open up the door
I'm ready to fly,
I'm ready to spread my wings across the sky
I think it's time
I'm ready to go
I'm ready to fly.

You've told me I could rise above
Like an eagle on the wind
I can glide upon Your love
But I feel the pull of gravity
And it's a weight upon my shoulders
i can't stay here any longer
I've gotta be free

And it's been so long
Since I've seen the bright morning sun
Through the early morning horizon
And it's been so long
Since I've felt the air under my wings
And seen all of these things from above